The old ball game

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Oakland, California 11:36pm

The night is warm and clear. Rebecca, Pablo and Daniel leave the Aloha Club, after watching the A’s win a blowout victory over the Yankees. Pablo and Rebecca had invited Daniel to come hang out.

Even though they have been in a relationship for the past six months, Daniel hadn’t spent much time with them together as a couple. Throughout the evening, Daniel noticed how some things just weren’t clicking with the two of them. Microsgressions on Pablo’s part and Rebecca trying to just smooth those out. Having been Pablo’s best friend since high school, he knew all about his short temper, ability to be judgemental and defensiveness. Daniel feels a bit of pity for Rebecca. She is a nice enough woman. Sweet demeanor with a bit of youthful playfulness.

Daniel watches from behind the couple as they all walk to the Fruitvale BART station. They walk up to the BART platform. 18 minutes until the next 24th and Mission train was to arrive. “I still can’t believe that hit Khris Davis had. Inside the park home run! Wow!” Rebecca swings an imaginary bat with wild abandon “I can do that!” Pablo rolls his eyes “What are you talking about, you don’t even watch baseball, and this was your first game ever.” “No,”she says “Watch this!” Rebecca swings her bat again and runs off to one side of the platform, first base. Running quickly she heads to the elevator for second and darts to the other platform for third base. Pablo watches while she runs, shaking his head and disregarding her enjoyment. Daniel is hooting along for her to go all the way home. “Round those bases Chica!” She get to third, trips over her own feet and flies off the platform. She lands awkwardly and hard on the tracks. “Owww, fuck” she yells as she sluggishly tries to get her bearings. Pablo looks stunned, then breaks out in laughter. “Oh shit, that was epic!” Daniel is frozen in shock for a second, then looks down the tracks for any oncoming train. He quickly finds the ladder onto the tracks and goes to get Rebecca. “Geez, are you okay?” “Well, seeing as I just ate shit off the ledge, I’m not too bad.” They make it back onto the platform and look at Pablo, whose grin has now turned to frustrated grimace. “That’s what you get for thinking you know anything about baseball. “Dude, fuck off!” Daniel says. “No, it’s okay Daniel, I AM a pretty big clutz.” replies Rebecca.

The train arrives, they get onboard and head back to The City. Rebecca is tries to console Pablo, he is angry and embarrassed that he had to witness her accident. She strokes his hand. “Babe, don’t be mad, I’m sorry that I’m a clutz.” He just stares despondently out the window. Daniel can see that Rebecca is hurt. Not just physically from the fall, but also from how she is being treated by Pablo. The train is now entering the tunnel. It darkens, the train shakes and becomes ear-piercingly loud. Daniel shut his eyes. Rebecca continues to be attentive to Pablo’s feelings and Pablo could care less. The trip under the Bay is a sensory experience, but the only feeling between the friends is that of frustration.

The train arrives at Powell Street. “Aight, this is me.” says Daniel. Rebecca gets out of her seat. “Oh, Daniel, it was so much fun hanging out tonight. Well, except for the part where I didn’t get my In the Park Homer. Thanks for everything!” Daniel gives her a hug. “Yeah no problem, I’m glad I could be there. Glad I could help, glad you are okay. ” He gives Pablo a slightly menacing glance. “Aight yo, Peace!” Pablo never turns his head and flashes the peace sign. Daniel gets off the train and it whizzes past him as Rebecca and Pablo continue on towards 24th.

Pablo finally looks at Rebecca. “I don’t even understand why you it’s so easy for you not be embarrassed in front of my best friend. ” “Well,” Rebecca says “he didn’t seem to be weirded out by it. Actually, he helped me alot faster than you did.” “Yeah…well, pffft… whatever.” grunts Pablo. Rebecca looks him square in the eyes. “I’ve been thinking about this the whole ride over here. Do you even like me Pablo? I don’t know if you are with me because you care about me or if it’s just because I give you the attention. I’m confused.” Pablo gets more physically agitated. “Of course I care about you, I wouldn’t fucking bother with you if I didn’t.” Rebecca smiles sheepishly, “I’m just checking, because it feels like all I do is aggravate you and bring you frustration.” Pablo rolls his eyes. “Fuck, don’t you get it? I am the way I am and that’s just how it is. I express myself differently than you do. I don’t have to be exactly like you, I’m going to express myself the way I do. If you like it, Cool! If you don’t, then that’s cool too.” Rebecca nervously bites her lip and brushes Pablo’s hair. “Alright, I get it.” Pablo turns his head again to look out the window.

The train arrives at 24th and Mission. They both get up and exit the train. They walk to the staircase. Rebecca leans into Pablo, wraps her hand around his and clutches closer to his side. They exit into the night, turn a corner and fade away slowly down the street.

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Deeds, not words

Discipline and work towards crafting the life that truly belongs to me.

While sitting in bed watching something that has really no merit to furthering my journey. Contemplating where I go, what my next move will be. Planning for changed in the patterns of life.

What is passion, where does it go sometimes? The energy… Physical, mental, spiritual. Driving to achieve more, while still being at peace with where I am now.

Forcing the movements as opposed to planning the strategy for success only creates frustration and anxiety.

Hello darkness…

It’s rearing its head once again.

I’ve lost the woman that I love. She could not deal with my mood swings, my anger, my irrational reactions to lifes’ doing.

I have pushed her away, a woman that was having a hard time being in a relationship in the first place.

I am alone, not knowing where to turn, what to do. I know that I should be looking inward and finding my strength, but I am not having an easy time with that.

I never have given myself the opportunity to love myself and that is harmful not only for me, but for any that I chose to share my life.

I don’t hate myself, I just am tired and scared that I may be unable to find myself.

This really hurts.

Fanatical Fantasies

My mind runs through many scenarios.

Hoping that to feed people will materialize into a stylized version of craziness, that satisfied my urges and provides sustenance for the hungry.

Eyeing women to be a potential sexual partner, yet having a person in my life already, knowing it is not trust worthy.

These two desires are occupying my mind to fill with anxiety.

What stops me from pursuing my career is the fear of failure.

What stops me from infidelity is the knowledge that there are not women that desire me. Both fallacies that are manifested through my constant worry.

By being able to focus, maybe things work out the way the universe determines, and I become fulfilled by my own energy. Energy utilized to create happiness.

Those fantasies are not the key.

Those desires and urges hamper my true happiness.

Or maybe they don’t.

Thoug in I I I’m, wants me l that you ppplljpuOn lht Word Action

This process has always seemed to elude me. When I have a great thought, which in my case is many fold, being able to describe it to someone is ready.

Now putting it in paper to come to me fruition, that is where I do. Andi therefore it can never come into action.

My mental block of keeping myself down is slightly budging and coming loose.

Where does it lead next?

Poor Man’s Woes

The day after the biggest day… At least that is what we are supposed to believe. Spend time with the family and friends, share Love and caring. Scrolling through all of others lives and seeing microseconds of their day.

Is it real?

Does it always have to be seen greener on the other side?

‘Cause what I see is the same thing and feel the same way, every single day… Every single moment.

Anger brews in me like badly made Maxwell House Coffee. My point of reference is always out there… Not in here, where the heart is, the soul, the energy, the advancement of my elevation.

My wealth in knowledge is fleeting, if it is only used to build up this ego, that deflates and expands based on others. I’m spent on worrying how others should act, be, do, say, live in their own bloody lives. Not even affording to give my self my own payment of happiness.

When is my bill going to be paid in full?

The Mind Is Lazy

Most of the thoughts and actions performed are repeated on a constant basis.

It’s the easy way out. File what is happening in the recycle bin. Not trying to really find a new path or more simple direction.

Staying the path of continually harming mind and body. Consuming food that is not healthy, ingesting harmful substances and repeating thoughts that allow for suffering to continue.

There is no effort to move in the direction of self fulfillment.

Until…

Understanding that choices can be changed by important information that we may or may not know. Realizing more time can be utilized to motivate this life towards an exciting and undiscovered path.

I know what is helpful, I know what is hurtful. Which way am I going to drive my livelihood?

I may be driving Taos slow, but I will find the uncongested path to arrive exactly where I belong.

Giving Thanks

Being able to understand that I have no control of anything except my own choices.

Having a great appreciation of food and helping others with my learned skillset.

People in my life, and outside of my life that continue to share their love and gifts.

Many years of past difficulties to understand the greatness of the life that presents itself now.

Many messengers of elevated conscious that I am learning their continued education.

Being in connection with the body that my soul envelops to work in healthful essence.

New souls arriving, from the One that is All, to transfer wisdom and guidance.

Belief that life is perfect, no concept of good or bad.

Opening up to the messages that are constantly being conveyed.

Love is all and sharing love is being.

Inquiryqsss

My concept of my own specialness is based on that I am enough. How others behave is not my concern, I do not know what will happen in the future. Reminding myself how great my life is when I am present, being able to select reworking the paths of thoughts. Waking up to understanding who I really am.

But also understanding that I am no more special than any other person that has existed, that exists now or anyone that will exist in the future.

Knowing tha,will create my specialness because I understand the equalz yoity of existence. okmj ok I’ll aaa

Moving forward

When the inevitable shows its face once again, putting my head in the sand and realizing that it will go away does not create the proper solution.

Realizing that my life is in my hand, no one can control it, no one can motivate it to be anything that it already is.

Dealing with situations that are not of my liking, but knowing that life shall go on. The future is undefined, I cannot imagine the most catastrophic events to occur. My imagination should be held most calmly in the present and have positive thoughts of things to come.

It may hurt now, but it won’t hurt forever.

That. Is. The. Truth!!

Lazy River

Being occupied with what if, what should be, how it is supposed to happen… Like paddling a raft upstream. Struggling frantically to get back to the point where everything is correct. Where life wasn’t so difficult. Always thinking about the moments lost or unutilized. Being stressed to a point of constant frustration.

When stopping the struggle.

When halting the treacherous drive behind, creates the ability to breathe, calmness embodies the self.

The lazy river that is life opens for observing. Having faith that it shall lead to parts unknown yet bringing trust that whatever comes forth shall be dealt with as it arrives.

I Ching

Pass inferior thoughts and habits

Tolerance, reticence, greatness

Humble

Patient

Attention to truth

Proper Principles

Remain joined to the Sage

Harmony with what is right

______________&______________

Misuse of judgement, condemnation, punishment, manipulation, dismissiveness

Be one with Stillness and Non Action

Eagerness Unbalances

Intangibility

Waking up from a dream, remembering only that one of my previous chefs had changed her hair dramatically, debating someone on the merits of adding orange to a dish and having a wildly existing yet frightened entrance to a competition that forced people to listen to my choice of hip hop.

Yeah… That was just a bit of it.

But what did I get out of it.

Ultimately, it brought my attention to why people do things. What gives them so much drive or determination?

I tend to think that more people do and become successful because they are trying to provide for their families, or they have something to prove to others.

Then I think about why I do creative things, especially cooking. Yes it is my chosen profession, yet I have the ability to see and touch it. I can feel and see what it creates. Almost a form of instant gratification.

But living my life outside of work, there is not that intense instantaneous aspect to existence. It is a long and arduous process.

So how to attain happiness through life if I refuse to push myself into action.

For myself.

For the action that does not have an immediate reward.

In my dream, I was looking to others for their approval. In my life, I do the same.

To be touched by my own actions, satisfied in my own accomplishments, driven for the reason that I can…

Why do you climb a mountain? Because it is there.

There is a mountain for me to take down, and it is my ego.

Sadness

Being pushed to the side never feels great. Having the complexities of others and their lives, bringing what they can to the table. I bring a buffet, yet I do not eat. Learning that my life and happiness are intertwined, but never really understanding that concept. I long for someone to hold me closest to their heart, but realizing that I am that person and that heart is mine. It still pains me to even pause and think, awful feelings of failure and worthlessness. My objective is to come true and clean with myself. Remove the cobwebs of self care and move forward. I have to make it happen if I plan on being functional. May the blessings of this world and all that I cannot see be with me.